Hello there! So, the title of this post is my way of saying that this post is going to get kind of personal, so feel free to back out while you still can. This post has kind of been a long time coming, and I feel like I just can't put it off any longer. So, I'll just say it. Hello, my name is Nicole, and I have body image issues. That's not surprising, since I'm sure we all have them, but I wanted to take time on my blog to talk about them, and what I'm dealing with. As most of you know, about a year and a half ago I started weight watchers, and since then I've lost about 38 pounds to date. I went from a size 14 to a size 8. I'm proud of myself, but not enough to be proud of my appearance. I was a chubby kid. I wore the biggest size in clothes, and was constantly told by my grandmother that I was too fat and needed to lose weight. I never listened to her. When I decided to lose weight, it was my own choice, and a good one for me at that. Now, though, I feel like the bigger battle is starting for me.
Now that I'm at a weight that I'm happy with, I have to maintain that weight. And the anxiety of possibly screwing up and gaining back what it took so long for me to get rid of is really getting to me. I'm constantly analyzing the size of my tummy to make sure it doesn't look any bigger than the day before, and trying on my smallest dresses to make sure they fit. This is quite the opposite of healthy, and I know that, which is why I've decided to write about it. Weight loss is supposed to make you feel better, happier and healthier. I have felt all of those things and do every day. But, I can't help but think of my childhood, my grandmother's harsh words (though I have an EXTREMELY supportive group of family and friends around me), and I just can't help but grow anxious at the possibility of failing. Once again, I'm not looking for sympathy or anything like that. But you guys have always been so warm and kind to me, and I feel comfortable sharing my struggles with you. I'm hoping that in time I'll be able to get a grip on my anxieties and fears of gaining weight back, get rid of the notion that weight gain is failure, and ultimately grow to absolutely love my body no matter what size it is. I know it won't be easy, but I'm looking forward to achieving those goals.
Dress, Hat: Modcloth
Sweater, Shoes: Urban Outfitters
Tights: Hue + DIY
Until Tomorrow,
Nicole
I'm sorry you feel all this anxiety, and I think it's absolutely right to focus on loving your body. It's important to remember too that even if you gain some back, that doesn't mean it can't be lost again... we should all give ourselves a break around Christmas for example I think!
ReplyDeleteThis was a great post. I'm sorry your grandmother treated you that way. I hope you can see how beautiful you are, and that size/weight is just a number.
ReplyDeleteI can really relate to you. I went from a size 12/14 to an 8. I lost 40lbs, and I've gained 3 back. I'm getting back on track, and I need to remind myself I didn't lose it over night, so I won't gain it over night.
My Heart Blogged
Ah! If only all of us girls (me included) who deal with body image issues could realize how truly beautiful we are, as we are, and that weight is not half the issue our culture makes it out to be. It's important to be healthy, so keeping a careful (but not overly critical) eye on what we put into our bodies is important. After that though, we tend to make the whole weight game more important then it is. Don't worry if your size fluctuates a bit here or there- it does for all (or most anyways!) of us. You did an awesome job in getting to where you are, and you are an amazingly beautiful girl! Thanks for being so honest with us though, because I think this is something we can all relate to. Love ya girl! xo
ReplyDeletewow good for you for losing 38 pounds! That's great. But you can't worry about screwing up all the time. Even if you gain or lose along the way, as long as you are healthy it's fine! I think you look great. We all have days where we feel like there are tons of things that we could change about ourselves, but at least you have wonderful, supportive friends who wouldn't even notice the difference. And supportive blog friends =)
ReplyDeleteAnywayyyy I'm sort of obsessed with those tights. So cute! And I adore your skirt. <3
I relate SO MUCH with the obsessive tummy-checking! I still weigh myself every week, and if I go above my happy place I eat more healthily during the following week. Greg will tell you that I spend WAY too much time in front of the mirror looking at my tummy and making sure it isn't too bulgy. I wonder if it has something to do with us being neurotic, or is it just the plight of those who have lost weight to obsess about not gaining it back again? :\ I do like indulging in things more than I did when I was actively losing weight but at the same time it stresses me out because I'm worried I'll gain it all back. Ugh! I wish I had a solution but really I'm just here to commiserate. <3
ReplyDelete38 pounds is a lot of work and you should be proud of yourself. You look incredible. You're very lucky to be surrounded by such a positive group of people.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could pull off a cute hat like that. You are simply adorable.
jenniwells.blogspot.com
It's always so suprising to me to see all the insanely cute girls have body issues...you're always so darling!
ReplyDeleteI lost a lot of weight as well and I always have the fear that I'll gain it back. But since it looks like you have a lot of awareness, and I doubt you'd ever let yourself "slip". So stop fretting and enjoy all your success! :)
i was literally going to make a extremely similar post as well. i've lost about 30lbs to date. i did weight watchers once but i didn't like it. now i just count calories. maybe try 'maintenance' for a while websites like thedailyplate.com help you track calories so you can maintain your current weight. maybe see how that works, so you can know how much you should eat etc so you can do it. i mean, you did weight watchers so you know what things are good/bad for you and maybe start an exercise routine so you feel good about yourself. you look amazing. and i'm glad you feel you can write stuff like this here. it gives me hope. and it's totally understandable you'd fear you'd gain it all back (my reason why i haven't gotten rid of all of my 'bigger' clothes yet either. just enjoy it!
ReplyDeleteAwww these tights are beautiful!!!
ReplyDeletewow, 38 pounds is an astounding number to lose! you should be immensely proud of yourself. I wish i could just simply take away your fears with a magical phrase, but I can't everyone here would agree on what a gorgeous girl you are. and hopefully one day you'll be able to see that.
ReplyDeleteLet me preface this post by saying you are beautiful no matter what your weight is!!! Like everyone else has been saying, 38 lbs is quite an accomplishment :D Just keep positive and keep making those healthy decisions that got you to this point thus far, and there will be no need to worry about your weight.
ReplyDeleteThis outfit you've got is absolutely adorable <3 I'm loving the print on the dress and the shoes!
Alyssa
You look incredibly different after weight loss. Omg.. I can't believe this. I am so happy to see you.
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I;m sure everyone around you is totally proud an in awe of the will power it takes to lose weight. I know Ive found that blogging is an awesome way to start to feel comfortable with yourself and your body so I hope you keep up the good work and your great blog and start feeling as great as you look! You deserve it!
ReplyDeleteShy
First of all, CONGRATULATION for loosing weight and for SPEAKING OUT ! I think you look really great, really feminine. I have the same problem but I am exercising whenever I get some free time and I try to have an equilibrate diet. Also, I am not watching my kilo's everyday because it's pointless. When I start feeling not so good about my body I start eating even healthier.
ReplyDeleteGOOD LUCK MY DARLING :)
you look absolutely beautiful dear and i'm right there with you with the body image issues. ever since going to college my diet really took a turn for the worse because of all the bad cafeteria food. that combined with lots of stress made me gain wait. i'm still on the road to loosing it! its good to know that other bloggers are in the same boat at times.
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