More than ever before, I think, I feel like my future is this big, creepy question mark dangling in front of my nose, so close to my face that it looks more like a blur than anything. People keep asking me what I want to do with my life, and I just kind of smile and say, "Oh, I don't know, something with literature." Then they assume that I want to be an English teacher and I let them because, though I don't really want to be an english teacher, I even less so want to talk to someone who wants answers to questions I'm just beginning to ask myself. Then I've got people talking to me about relationships, and finding a boyfriend/hook-up guy/spouse. People keep telling me "Well, you've got to be more confident/outgoing/annoying, because you only attract what you give off!" I'm so tired of people telling me that "I attract what I give off," and better yet, that I should adjust my behavior only so that I attract a different brand of guy. I finally feel like I'm embracing who I am, and more importantly, learning how to show that person to other people. My lack of good friends who have stuck by me for long periods of time, coupled with every boy I've dated telling me I need to change myself to better suit him, has led me to believe that I, in my current state, am not worth all that much. I work hard every day to remind myself that I am, because I do like who I am, and who I continue to become, and every day I get a little more comfortable showing people more and more pieces of who I am.
Right now, there are a lot of people in my life who expect me to know what I want and who I want to marry and what my expected salary in 2015 will be, when in reality, I have no clue! Well, maybe I've got some inklings, but no one seems to want inklings from me, just answers and plans. I had plans for a long time, until I realized that plans, for the sake of plans, are not very good plans to have. Do I want to figure things out for myself? Of course! But right now, I want to hone in on the things I love, and cultivate myself into something extraordinary. I want to read creepy stories, classics, and poetry that makes me uncomfortable due to how good it is. I want to continue to write my own poetry about tumbleweeds and scabs and falling in love, give myself a voice, and maybe, just maybe publish something one day. I want to be a better student, but not to the point where I'm unhappy. I want to bake more. I really want to go for a hike instead of just reblogging pictures of hikers and mountains on tumblr. I don't want to live my life with expectations of what my life should be, or could be, or what anyone else believe my life should or could be. I figure I should just do all of this stuff and figure things out as I go along. That's not going to be good enough for all of the people who want me to have more friends or have a career plan or have a boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend, but it should be good enough for me, and I think it is.
Until tomorrow,
Nicole
