Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Personal Day



So, I wrote up this post last night, with the intention of posting it with pictures today. But since I was snowbound/had a phone interview, I pretty much just stood inside in not the most flattering get up. This post was important to me, and it was the sort of thing that I wanted out there, and then to put behind me to move forward. So, instead of waiting until tomorrow's photos, I figured I'd just put this here, now, with a silly/ unflattering photobooth picture of Zak and I from a few weeks ago. Hey, I figured you deserved something for putting up with all my emotional baggage. This week's been a thoughtful one, and it's rewarding, I think. So, thanks for bearing with me, friends.


So, I try to keep things up in this here blog light and fashion related most of the time. Lately, though, there have been things nagging me that I need to get out. Writing has always been my way of clearing my mind, sorting things out, and since I haven't felt the urge to write poetry lately, I'm turning to this blog. Last night was so incredibly frustrating. I haven't thought about school for weeks. Last night, I received my evaluation (basically, my grade) from my philosophy teacher. I was expecting bad things, but to see that things were as bad as I hoped they weren't...was kind of horrible. My papers ranged from "good" then to "bad" then to "not much more than okay". I cried, like a baby. I've never had trouble with school, except for math in high school. I put so much effort into getting better at philosophy last semester, but none of it paid off. And when I realized I signed up for a second semester of this, I broke a little. I let it break me.

I always let things break me. I let little things, like a bad grade, break me down into a puddle of self-pity. When one small thing goes wrong, I equate it to my whole self being wrong. This is one of the things I genuinely dislike about myself. I've gotten into arguments with Zak about it. I always expect him to pick me up, but as he always says, I need to meet him halfway. But I don't. When he's dealing with chronic stomach pain, a cyst, and insomnia, and manages to stay as strong as ever, I break over one teacher's thoughts on my work. Last night was one of the first times that I got myself out of it. After letting myself cry for about a minute, and then getting angry and complaining to the nearest ear I could find, I shut up and worked out. I worked out hard, and felt good. I deleted the self-pitying tumblr post and stopped myself from sinking. Back to that tumblr post for a moment. I had written something like, After a scathing evaluation from my philosophy teacher I realize that my goal for 2011 has to be to simply be better. Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. In 2011 I do want to be better, and I want to make that my goal. BUT, I don't want to be better because someone made me feel better. I don't want to make resolutions based on the opinions of one professor. I want to be better this year. I want to be a better girlfriend to Zak, a better friend, a better student OVERALL, a better worker, a better leader. These are goals to have. And while I started the night feeling as though I had been hit in the face, I ended the night taking a step forward, taking the first step in fulfilling my goal.


Until tomorrow,
Nicole

8 comments:

  1. oh gosh. i get this way all. the. time. when something doesn't go my way instead of being proactive about it i just crumble to bits.
    2011 will be better! i'm thinking positive thoughts for you!

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  2. I got my first REALLY bad grades last year; I was so used to A's in lecture classes that the thought of putting effort into studio work seemed unfathomable to me...not to say you're not putting in effort (I'm sure you are!), but I guess I'm just saying these things take time to get the hang of.

    Feel better, and keep trying!! :D

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  3. I'm not sure if my experience will be encouraging or just irrelevant at all, but I'll write a short tidbit anyways. School has never really been my thing. My talent doesn't lie there. I don't think analytically and I'd rather be off doing something creative. Ever since I realized that I've stopped putting so much pressure on myself. I'm not saying this is what you're doing at ALL, this has just been my experience. I also need to learn not to depend on people to pick me back up. I need to do that myself because at the end of the day its just me and not them.

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  4. I really admire your honesty and courage for writing this and letting us know.
    I don't have anything to say that can relate but I hope that things get better. That you can see outside of this one teacher and this one situation and see the big picture.
    Whenever something starts attacking me I always feel dumb for crying over something that is only effecting ME. Out of all the worlds problems here I am crying over something so small and minuscule. I hope that doesn't sound mean, but it helps me really stare the problem down and put it into perspective. It's just a little thing I do that really helps me feel better.
    But I think you should do whatever you think is best for you! Take care. :)

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  5. I've been following your writing in the past few days, and while I think we should get together for one of those LONG pep talks that I'm famous for...I also wanted to share this quote with you. It showed up in my Newsfeed today, and I immediately thought of you, my dear!

    "Somewhere along the line of development we discover what we really are, and then we make our real decision for which we are responsible. Make that decision primarily for yourself because you can never really live anyone else’s life...The influence you exert is through your own life and what you become yourself."

    - Eleanor Roosevelt

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  7. Aw Nicole, such a score to find your blog...! I have big goals for this year too, you know personal ones for making life happier and being successful and all. I'm a smart cookie but totally flunked university last year, it was a bad year all in all, but my philosophy mark was still quite good (I thank my boy for encouraging me to do that paper! Aren't they so sweet and patient with us?) So flick me any questions or forward papers you have to read if you want some help or to converse/philosophize! I look forward to following your blog and shoot your style is cute alright!

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Thank you so, so much for taking some time to comment on my blog!