Tuesday, January 11, 2011
So, I wrote up this post last night, with the intention of posting it with pictures today. But since I was snowbound/had a phone interview, I pretty much just stood inside in not the most flattering get up. This post was important to me, and it was the sort of thing that I wanted out there, and then to put behind me to move forward. So, instead of waiting until tomorrow's photos, I figured I'd just put this here, now, with a silly/ unflattering photobooth picture of Zak and I from a few weeks ago. Hey, I figured you deserved something for putting up with all my emotional baggage. This week's been a thoughtful one, and it's rewarding, I think. So, thanks for bearing with me, friends.
So, I try to keep things up in this here blog light and fashion related most of the time. Lately, though, there have been things nagging me that I need to get out. Writing has always been my way of clearing my mind, sorting things out, and since I haven't felt the urge to write poetry lately, I'm turning to this blog. Last night was so incredibly frustrating. I haven't thought about school for weeks. Last night, I received my evaluation (basically, my grade) from my philosophy teacher. I was expecting bad things, but to see that things were as bad as I hoped they weren't...was kind of horrible. My papers ranged from "good" then to "bad" then to "not much more than okay". I cried, like a baby. I've never had trouble with school, except for math in high school. I put so much effort into getting better at philosophy last semester, but none of it paid off. And when I realized I signed up for a second semester of this, I broke a little. I let it break me.
I always let things break me. I let little things, like a bad grade, break me down into a puddle of self-pity. When one small thing goes wrong, I equate it to my whole self being wrong. This is one of the things I genuinely dislike about myself. I've gotten into arguments with Zak about it. I always expect him to pick me up, but as he always says, I need to meet him halfway. But I don't. When he's dealing with chronic stomach pain, a cyst, and insomnia, and manages to stay as strong as ever, I break over one teacher's thoughts on my work. Last night was one of the first times that I got myself out of it. After letting myself cry for about a minute, and then getting angry and complaining to the nearest ear I could find, I shut up and worked out. I worked out hard, and felt good. I deleted the self-pitying tumblr post and stopped myself from sinking. Back to that tumblr post for a moment. I had written something like, After a scathing evaluation from my philosophy teacher I realize that my goal for 2011 has to be to simply be better. Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. In 2011 I do want to be better, and I want to make that my goal. BUT, I don't want to be better because someone made me feel better. I don't want to make resolutions based on the opinions of one professor. I want to be better this year. I want to be a better girlfriend to Zak, a better friend, a better student OVERALL, a better worker, a better leader. These are goals to have. And while I started the night feeling as though I had been hit in the face, I ended the night taking a step forward, taking the first step in fulfilling my goal.