One of the worst parts of breakups, for me, is the doubt and worry they bring. When I was still deliberating my decision, one of the major factors that was keeping me in my relationship was the fear that I would never find someone else who would love me, let alone want to date me. Now, obviously this is no reason to stay with someone, but it was for me. The thought of being alone is terrifying. You don't know how many times I've thought "I'm too weird for anyone to like. Who wants this weird girl who eats pastries like it's nobody's business and spends her Friday nights dramatically lipsyncing to Jack's Mannequin songs?" I was with someone who didn't mind those things about me and couldn't help but question the odds that there was some OTHER guy out there who would do the same. I currently have a bit of a crush on a guy that most likely will not be, uh, "falling in love with me" anytime soon for a multitude of reasons. In the short amount of time that I've known him (read: been irrationally enamored with him), I've thought a million times about how he's just "too good for me": "He's so cute! He's so funny! He's not terrifyingly awkward in social situations! He's probably a hit at parties! He's so nice! He wears plaid! He could never like me." I'm naturally insecure and doubtful of my own worth. One of the reasons I ended my last relationship is because I didn't like the person I had become in that four year span. I was terribly needy, dependent, unhappy, and insecure - all things I do not want to be. And I feel like I'm finally starting to become the person I really want to be, though, I'm still of course in baby steps mode. Today, I was having a particularly doubtful day, and couldn't shake these thoughts much at all. So on my way home I stopped by the park and did some writing and thinking. One of things I thought was that you can't get upset that someone doesn't like what they don't know about you. I'm naturally inclined to hold back when I meet new people. I'm shy, but also weird, which means I overly think about what I share with people and what I don't. It also means that I end up sharing ridiculous things I shouldn't share ("I"M NOT SPECIAL ENOUGH TO TAKE TO A FANCY RESTAURANT,") though that's a different - but related - story. I want to stop worrying about "being too weird for people" and just be myself. In reality, if someone doesn't like the eccentric things that make me who I am, I don't want to be their friend or girlfriend. But I'll never know if they like me or not if I don't give them the chance to see me in all my nerdy, hungry, lipsyncing glory, no. So instead of saying someone's "too good for me," I'd like to be saying "maybe we'd be good for each other," you know? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this stuff. I know my posts have been introspective and break-up related lately, but that's what I'm feeling and thinking, so that's what I feel like I have to share here.
Until tomorrow,
Nicole
