Monday, October 17, 2011

Reflections of a Jumping Grandpa Lumberjack


I wouldn't have normally taken photos on a casual day, but I decided today was a good day to post about some things that have been swirling about in my head for a while now. It's been a while since my last relationship and self-worth post, and I feel it's time for another one. I might as well start by saying that I am highly inclined to self-pity. Highly. If I'm sad, I like to wallow about in the muck of it. I like to be reminded that I'm not alone in feeling upset, and If I am upset, I want you tell me it's okay that I'm sad, that I have a right to be sad. Pathetic is a very easy thing to be, and it's an easy thing to get stuck in.

What really kick-started my thinking about self-pity was a tumblr post I came across. It one of those little text images that said something along the lines of "I hope I've crossed your mind at least once so I can feel less pathetic about all the times I think about you." I posted it to my site, thinking "Well, that's accurate!" and immediately this wave of...sadness? disgust? disappointment came over me. "Who am I?" I couldn't stop asking myself that question all night.

I just got out of a relationship that made me feel unsatisfied, weak, and dependent, and I was letting myself feel weak and dependent on a man I hardly even know. Who am I? I've said this before, but one of the big reasons I got out of that relationship is to build on who I want to be. I'm happy with who I am, but I want to be stronger and more confident in who I am. For years and years I've sunk into labels that I've given myself. "I'm shy and weak, so I'll just have to find a guy who doesn't mind that. Not all guys want confident, independent women." And that was it. I let myself live in that shell I built myself. But I don't want to be weak. I don't want to settle. I don't want to resign myself to the limits that only I'm placing on myself.

I'll often catch myself thinking, "Oh, I wonder what he's doing now" or "He wouldn't like a girl like me" and I stop the thought mid sentence. Comparing yourself to other people and belittling yourself gets you nothing but despair. I want to grow, and these aren't the thoughts that grow. They're the thoughts that keep you uncertain, that keep you insecure, that keep you in that shell you've built around yourself. I don't want to be the girl who is hopelessly pining over a guy she barely knows, hoping somehow she'll be able to prove her worth to him so he'll see just how wonderful a girlfriend I can be. I want to be the girl who can look at a guy, think he's cute, and move on from it until the right thing comes along. I want to be myself and grow as a person, not be constantly trying to desperately prove my worth to people. I want to see my own self-worth, and not expend any effort or thoughts or tears on those who don't. I'd like to think I'm on my way.

Uh, in regards to this outfit, I think I look like a grandpa lumberjack (hence the title). Maybe also a hipster. I was inside writing a paper all day. Think what you will.

Sweater, Jeans: Urban Outfitters, Boots: Famous Footwear, Top: Delia's






Until tomorrow,


  1. best words. seriously that's what i'm going through now as well.
    plus this sweater. dreamy.

    but anyway! i hope you see what everyone else sees in you. soon enough i'm sure you will.

  2. This is a real cute outfit!

    I can really associate with what you're saying. It's hard to readjust to being single and to not latch onto other people to replace what we had before. I'm so glad that you're aware of who you want to be as a person and are taking steps towards being that person. you deserve to be the happiest you can be.

  3. Cute sweater :)

    I know exactly how you feel. I am afraid to say I've been throwing myself pity parties. Some of the same thoughts have been in my mind...but it's really good you know your own weaknesses, and where exactly you struggle so you can improve :) Thanks for sharing.

  4. Knowing the person you want to be and the things you want to see change is the first step to actually getting there. I'm not exactly shy, so I can't tell you from experience. I've also never had a boyfriend, so we really come from two different sides of the experiential spectrum. I do know that it can only get better for ya, though. (: After all, you're an adorable jumping grandfather lumberjack.

  5. " But I don't want to be weak. I don't want to settle. I don't want to resign myself to the limits that only I'm placing on myself. "

    AMEN! I think the same thing all the time. Never settle, go for the gold! You deserve all the things!

  6. Yes, great points in this post! It can be hard not to focus on seeking approval, and I think that's okay to some extent...I mean, human beings are social and naturally want to be liked. But yeah, the point is, you can't be looking for everyone's approval. If you try to be a good person and develop your own interests, strengths, etc., certain people will be attracted to that, and they'll probably be people that you like too. Well, that's what I tell myself!

    Your grandpa cardigan looks so cute and cozy! Also, your ankle boots are just making me want a pair like that even more...I keep seeing flat, lace-up boots that I love on bloggers.

  7. Ha, I liked that tumblr post so I don't know what that says about me! I do agree with what you say, but I'd also add that not being weak and not settling is a constant thing, so don't be too hard on yourself for having moments of doubt either!

  8. I'm not too comfortable articulating my thoughts on these topics, thoughts which are strikingly similar to my own, but I must admit you're doing a lot of the work for me and it's quite a relief! Hmm you can't switch these things on and off (you know, I'm gonna be strong and confident as of today) but yeah you totally have a right to be sad and especially to be happy. To overlook people or comments that really aren't worth your attention if they just make you feel insecure or, as you say, provoke the need to prove your worth unnecessarily. I know exactly how that feels. I love reading your posts so much, but I always leave such long comments UH sorry! Great outfit, just got a cosy cardigan myself, it's more like the grandma to your grandpa :) Playing on my mind lately is the fact that I'm in a.. potent relationship, but I still feel very dissatisfied and dependent, in general. Do you think it's absolutely necessary to fly solo to figure it out? xo

  9. I spent months after the end of my last relationship questioning whether I was good enough, and in my case, what I could have done to prevent the end of the relationship but actually, the past year of my life has been one of the best of my life so far. I've finally managed to find things that I am interested in and focus on them rather than feeling like I have to push them back. I think everyone has moments of insecurity, and wants the reassurance that they aren't the only one, but over time it happens less.

    I love this outfit on you! Very simple but oh so chic, I love the plaid shirt xo

  10. You are definitely not alone with your thoughts. I suppose that we all seek approval from others and in doing so we can lose ourselves a little in the process. I am glad to hear that you are making time for yourself and moving forward:) Your jumping photos are really good! lovely cardigan.

  11. I'm so glad you wrote this-- it's been amazing to see you grow and get to know you through your blog.
    Nicole-- you are one of the most inspiration, most independent, strongest gals I've 'met', and to see you begin to realize your worth is amazing.



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