I wouldn't have normally taken photos on a casual day, but I decided today was a good day to post about some things that have been swirling about in my head for a while now. It's been a while since my last relationship and self-worth post, and I feel it's time for another one. I might as well start by saying that I am highly inclined to self-pity. Highly. If I'm sad, I like to wallow about in the muck of it. I like to be reminded that I'm not alone in feeling upset, and If I am upset, I want you tell me it's okay that I'm sad, that I have a right to be sad. Pathetic is a very easy thing to be, and it's an easy thing to get stuck in.
What really kick-started my thinking about self-pity was a tumblr post I came across. It one of those little text images that said something along the lines of "I hope I've crossed your mind at least once so I can feel less pathetic about all the times I think about you." I posted it to my site, thinking "Well, that's accurate!" and immediately this wave of...sadness? disgust? disappointment came over me. "Who am I?" I couldn't stop asking myself that question all night.
I just got out of a relationship that made me feel unsatisfied, weak, and dependent, and I was letting myself feel weak and dependent on a man I hardly even know. Who am I? I've said this before, but one of the big reasons I got out of that relationship is to build on who I want to be. I'm happy with who I am, but I want to be stronger and more confident in who I am. For years and years I've sunk into labels that I've given myself. "I'm shy and weak, so I'll just have to find a guy who doesn't mind that. Not all guys want confident, independent women." And that was it. I let myself live in that shell I built myself. But I don't want to be weak. I don't want to settle. I don't want to resign myself to the limits that only I'm placing on myself.
I'll often catch myself thinking, "Oh, I wonder what he's doing now" or "He wouldn't like a girl like me" and I stop the thought mid sentence. Comparing yourself to other people and belittling yourself gets you nothing but despair. I want to grow, and these aren't the thoughts that grow. They're the thoughts that keep you uncertain, that keep you insecure, that keep you in that shell you've built around yourself. I don't want to be the girl who is hopelessly pining over a guy she barely knows, hoping somehow she'll be able to prove her worth to him so he'll see just how wonderful a girlfriend I can be. I want to be the girl who can look at a guy, think he's cute, and move on from it until the right thing comes along. I want to be myself and grow as a person, not be constantly trying to desperately prove my worth to people. I want to see my own self-worth, and not expend any effort or thoughts or tears on those who don't. I'd like to think I'm on my way.
Uh, in regards to this outfit, I think I look like a grandpa lumberjack (hence the title). Maybe also a hipster. I was inside writing a paper all day. Think what you will.