I’m the sort of person who needs to have a plan. As much as I like the idea of running out somewhere on a whim with friends, If I’m going out, I like to know in advance where we’re going, what time we’re meeting, and who’ll be there when I arrive. When I was with my ex-boyfriend, I loved being able to say that when I would be able to move to California at some point with him, maybe in two years or so. It was nice to have my future planned out because I like plans. As I think we all know, though, plans change. Life throws things at us and we’re forced to respond, and our response alters the trajectory of where we’ll go next. In the past, and even now, I hated uncertainty. I like knowing that I’m doing the right thing and that I’m making good decisions. Even when our lives are relatively stable, though, we don’t often get the assurance that what we’re doing is best, at least in my experience.
Something that’s been really helpful and wonderful for me, though, is listening to the experiences of other people. I’ve found that hearing about peoples’ lives and the choices they’ve made for themselves, from dealing with breakups they never saw coming (or, like me, making the terrifying decisions to end something that had lasted a very long time) to taking the risk of moving someplace entirely new. Hearing someone say that they’ve done something I feel to scared to do on my own makes me think, “Well, maybe I can do that.” I’m so busy telling myself that if something’s not planned, I can’t possibly do it. “I need a boyfriend to move across the country. No one will ever love me like my ex and I made a huge selfish mistake in breaking up with him. I can’t balance work and school. I can’t make new friends.” Am I worried about these things being true? Of course I am. Because these prospects are all terrifying. But, I’m trying my best to embrace the uncertainty of the future as a positive thing. Life right now are wide open. I’m a junior in college, I just started a new job, and I just made a big change in my personal life that I never thought I would make. I’ve been thinking of all of these things as daunting, like everything is out to upset me, and that I’m not capable of being strong and successful. I’m just beginning to look at my life as something full of opportunities for the taking. Sure, I don’t know what’s going to happen or who I’ll meet or where I’ll go, but these are good uncertainties. Things often aren’t as final or limiting as they seem, and though I know I’ll have moments where I throw tantrums and question all of this, I think I’m on the right track.
Just a note about what I'm wearing, since this is a self described "fashion blog." When I met with her, Michal and I were talking about our past fashion misadventures and how we used to dress, and skater shoes and converse came up. Since then I've been wanting to wear one of my old pairs. You'll notice the Bayside lyrics on the toes ("I've made mistakes, but I'll find my way) though I wrote the lines backwards on the wrong feet. There're also some Jack's Mannequin lyrics scrawled on the side, along with a Thoreau quote, and the word "transcend" written on one of the laces. All the words on those shoes seem appropriate for this post, and the idea of looking backwards but moving forward also seems quite relevant.