Everyday since Thursday, upon waking up, I keep forgetting what day it is. Saturday morning I got up at 8, and panicked because I thought I was running late for Tuesday's class. Later, when I got to work on Saturday, I panicked again because I thought I was missing my Monday teacher conference. As if this anecdote has not made it apparent enough, I have been all sorts of out of sorts lately. I've gotten a triple combination beat up from work, school, and my own dumb feelings this weekend that have made it hard for me to stay focussed and clear-minded. This week is my boss's last week before he leaves for another job, and the reality of it has been slowly (and now rapidly) becoming more apparent to me. I get very attached to people that I like, whatever the dynamic of our relationship, and aside from my personal feelings, I know that his leaving means that work will become more hectic, and the future of my job, more uncertain. I also took on more work than I should have this weekend, which provides a nice segue into my panic about school. The thing about school is that, though I have roughly 50 pages of writing to get done in the next three weeks, I know it will get done, because it has to. I may kick and whine and hide under a bucket of ice cream, but it will get done. Sure, it's an added stress I'd rather not have on my plate, and sure, I'm only making things more difficult for myself by trying to write an over-sharing blog post instead of a paper on Waverly, but it will get done. Then, my emotions have just been all over the place lately. I've been very teary lately, and though I'm generally a huge girl about everything and cry all over the place, it's been ridiculous. Like, I watched an episode of Ghost Adventures the other day and cried through the whole thing. I don't even know, guys. I've also just been struggling a lot with some romantic feelings. You know the drill - you like someone you shouldn't, then get all caught up in it when you shouldn't. I like someone who has a girlfriend, and I'm mad at myself for it, plain and simple. Well, not really plain and simple. I just feel like I'm caught in a weird, overwhelming cycle, a la Dante's circle of the lustful in Inferno, where I feel in control of my feelings and then I'm swept up and flung around for a while. I had a good, long sulk about it, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
This has been an attempt to clear my head, and also to lead into why I am wearing a shirt with a shark face on it. The last time I wore this tee shirt, it was the day hurricane Irene hit, and I was feeling ferocious and powerful. This weekend has left me feeling angry, tearful, hopeful, excited, anxious, pleased and with an unexplained pain in my right shoulder. If there was ever a time to wear a shark's face on my torso, it's now. I'm not sure if it's true, but I've heard often that sharks have to keep moving forward or they'll die. Never one to shy away from a metaphor, I may have also donned this shirt for that reason. I'm not good with change, I'm not good with situations I can't control, I'm not good with throwing caution to the wind. I am, however, quite exceptional at whining and complaining and forgetting my progress. So, here's to sharks. Here's to moving forward. Here's to writing fifty pages. Here's to succumbing to emotions and bursting out the other side, stronger and more aware. Here's to The Shins. Here's to progress.