I am very good at not committing to things. People, I'll commit to - you can bet on that. But myself? No dice. Or deal, whichever you prefer. Whenever I start something, I hardly ever finish it. It's a terrible quality, really. When I was nine, I took piano lessons and quit after about four lessons. When I was 15 I tried again, and quit again. I've also been known to leave packs of oreos only half eaten. And it's not because I didn't want to become a master pianist, and it's not because I didn't want to eat the whole pack of oreos. I just seem to hardly ever want anything hard enough to fight for it, to work my hands to the bone for it. I'm honestly surprised I've managed to keep this blog alive for two years. It's terrifying to feel this lazy, impatient feeling creeping up again, but I do, I feel it, slinking it's way around me like a nylon rope trying to pull me in another direction before I've even spotted the shore I'm rowing towards. I started to feel it with my writing recently. I hadn't strongly felt the urge to write poetry since maybe early May. The desire to write was there, but not the drive. And I was honestly just letting it slip away. Poetry is probably the one thing I've cared about (besides friends, family and pizza) for as long as I can remember. It has been a constant for a very inconsistent me, and I was just allowing myself to lose it. Terrifying.
I do not want to half-do anything anymore. I am tired of half-doing. It is less fun to eat a half-baked cake than a fully baked cake. It is less satisfying to half-finish a 5k than to finish one. I care about poetry, so it's about time I stop half-caring about it. In an attempt to full-care, I've started writing four lines of poetry every night (thanks to an aptly timed KV quote). It's mostly been weird, sappy stuff (about gurkins?), but it's been something. It's been a commitment to keep writing. And then there's my etsy shop. I am so easily discouraged. It goes along right along with the impatience, I guess. I may have almost thrown in the towel because I wasn't seeing instant results. May have. Maybe. I thought about it. Maybe. But then I realized I was being a big idiot again, wanting to try something new just because my current endeavor was frustrating. No more of that. I am committed to my brooches. I am committed to my poetry. I am committed to bettering myself. Those are commitments worth having. I wouldn't have started on these journeys if I didn't think they would be valuable, and they have been valuable (even my 10 cumulative piano lessons).
Until tomorrow,
Nicole
