Monday, July 2, 2012

Half Full


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I am very good at not committing to things. People, I'll commit to - you can bet on that. But myself? No dice. Or deal, whichever you prefer. Whenever I start something, I hardly ever finish it. It's a terrible quality, really. When I was nine, I took piano lessons and quit after about four lessons. When I was 15 I tried again, and quit again. I've also been known to leave packs of oreos only half eaten. And it's not because I didn't want to become a master pianist, and it's not because I didn't want to eat the whole pack of oreos. I just seem to hardly ever want anything hard enough to fight for it, to work my hands to the bone for it. I'm honestly surprised I've managed to keep this blog alive for two years. It's terrifying to feel this lazy, impatient feeling creeping up again, but I do, I feel it, slinking it's way around me like a nylon rope trying to pull me in another direction before I've even spotted the shore I'm rowing towards. I started to feel it with my writing recently. I hadn't strongly felt the urge to write poetry since maybe early May. The desire to write was there, but not the drive. And I was honestly just letting it slip away. Poetry is probably the one thing I've cared about (besides friends, family and pizza) for as long as I can remember. It has been a constant for a very inconsistent me, and I was just allowing myself to lose it. Terrifying.

I do not want to half-do anything anymore. I am tired of half-doing. It is less fun to eat a half-baked cake than a fully baked cake. It is less satisfying to half-finish a 5k than to finish one. I care about poetry, so it's about time I stop half-caring about it. In an attempt to full-care, I've started writing four lines of poetry every night (thanks to an aptly timed KV quote). It's mostly been weird, sappy stuff (about gurkins?), but it's been something. It's been a commitment to keep writing. And then there's my etsy shop. I am so easily discouraged. It goes along right along with the impatience, I guess. I may have almost thrown in the towel because I wasn't seeing instant results. May have. Maybe. I thought about it. Maybe. But then I realized I was being a big idiot again, wanting to try something new just because my current endeavor was frustrating. No more of that. I am committed to my brooches. I am committed to my poetry. I am committed to bettering myself. Those are commitments worth having. I wouldn't have started on these journeys if I didn't think they would be valuable, and they have been valuable (even my 10 cumulative piano lessons).


Dress: Urban Outfitters, Sandals: Korks by Kork-Ease, Necklace: DIY

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Until tomorrow,
Nicole

13 comments:

  1. I'm the same. And sick of it! I want to have the determination to actually complete the goals I have! it definitely takes some courage though.

    is this a new dress? :) :) it's so pretty! i love the back too.
    xx

    p.s. imma get back to you about NYC sooon! heh

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  2. I have mini versions of that, but I can only make it about 4-5 days before not doing a ton of things drives me crazy. So right now, in the absence of work and school, I'm taking coursera classes online for free, fervently working on my Etsy shop, running two blogs, and job hunting. Feels good. (:

    It kind of takes a catalyzing moment before it clicks--if this is it for you, awesome! If not, I wish you luck. It will come and it might not even be a big deal to anyone but you. We're young and living in a world where there is not a clear path laid out for us. It's exciting, inspiring, terrifying, and at times completely a let-down.

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  3. "The desire to write was there, but not the drive."

    That's a great line. The ability to capture that nuanced sentiment shows that you're a great writer.

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  4. Oh, sweet girl. Hang in there! Stay with it! <3 I know what you mean though. Sometimes it's hard to want things badly enough.

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  5. Jasmine, Transient WithdrawalJuly 2, 2012 at 11:32 PM

    Aww Nicole! I think I mentioned wanting to do things whole-heartedly in a post a while back and I'll be mentioning my quitter tendencies in my first Teaching Tuesday post tomorrow, but I tooottaaaalllllyyyyyyy know what you mean. I hardly ever finish water bottles. There's always like one or two sips left. There's probably a list of a thousand things I quit over the course of my life. For me, I did it because I was/am afraid of success--more than I am of failure so I thought if I didn't try or never finished I'd always have that excuse to fall back on if I didn't succeed. Sometimes I think I like being a victim. It's sorta comfortable in a pathetic way. I think that's why my weight loss has been so static for over a year now. I just couldn't keep the momentum after losing 25lbs. It's been frustrating and I've been trying so hard to get it started again, but now with grad school, there's just too much stuff going on. Teaching has been the one thing that I haven't quit though--and that's how I know that this is what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. So if writing is that something then keep pursuing it and give it your all! :) <3

    Love this dress on you Nicole! The colors are wonderful and I love the detail of the back!

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  6. i've been feeling that same way lately. and i don't know what to do about it.

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  7. Good! I need to do the same! It's a start that you even recognize you tend to be noncommittal. Sometimes it's just hard to motivate yourself to do things you like because for whatever reason we let all those other things we could care less about get in the way.

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  8. Yup, I feel that too. While I lasted years at the piano, I cannot seem to force myself to write. I have to, I know. I read once that you need to pick a time and a word count/page amount to finish in that time and if all you write is dribble, that is fine. At least you wrote something.

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  9. I was in a similar rut to this a while ago with drawing things... and then I realized, you just gotta force yourself to do it. You just have to lock yourself in a room (or for me, I work at a pool and have nothing else to do so forced myself to draw) and start it and make yourself finish it. Play some music while you're at it to ease the process. And then you'll remember how good it feels to finish something and want to try it again. And hopefully it will get easier from then on... maybe try that? It's uncomfortable, but I think it's working for me. Maybe it'll work for you. :)

    This dress is adorable on you. I especially love the detail in the back. :) The print is so looovely!

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  10. Cute outfit! :D I always love that silhouette for dresses. Your shoes are also to die for.

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  11. Woo! I love your empowering speech you just got up there and made.

    I think to some extent, everyone gives up on stuff. Sometimes you might give up on it for a long time and then suddenly it will all come back to you - that spark will be lit once again! I wholeheartedly believe you are GOOD at poetry and you'll probably never completely kick it to the curb. (what's with this probably business? I mean just never ever.)

    On a totally different note - your dress is divine! That cut, those colors, that back. *swoon*

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  12. It's definitely worth committing in something you're passionate about, like poetry and your cute brooches. But I understand what you mean. I've been in a sort of writer's block lately, I don't take the time for writing anymore and that's stupid, 'cause I love to write and I'd love to be a writer someday, earning money from the words I write and so on.
    Oh and by the way- you look gorgeous in that dress. And the back looks amazing!

    Life is a romantic poem

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  13. kristian satterleeJuly 10, 2012 at 12:54 AM

    I was reading this thinking- this is me. Brave words.

    I'm new to your blog and have really enjoyed reading your thoughtful, personal thoughts and struggles. And your cute clothes!

    http://www.neverfullydressedwithoutastyle.blogspot.com

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Thank you so, so much for taking some time to comment on my blog!