I am not very good at standing up for myself. See, right there. I could have said that I am exceptional, perhaps the best, at not standing up for myself. But I took the self-deprecating route. If I had to give myself a label, it would probably "pushover." Well, I'll give myself a little credit and say "cute pushover." Whether it's with my friends, or with a boyfriend, I'm generally the one who rolls over and gives in, who gives more than she receives. That's a role I've played for as long as I can remember. A few weeks ago, a boy I've known for a very long time invited me over to his house and attempted to have sex with me. Well, he wanted to attempt to have sex with me. I didn't really let him get that far. But, I digress. He did not try to woo me. He did nothing even mildly romantic. He did not slow dance with me, or even compliment me once. And I almost let him have sex with me.
This didn't hit me until a few days ago. I was talking about it, and relationships in general, with a friend, who said, "Until you appreciate yourself, until you demand things and act like you're worth something, you're going to have a hard time finding people who do." Like a sack of bricks to the chest. I felt disoriented, and more upset, and more empowered, than I'd felt in a while, amazed that I had stood up for myself, beating myself up over the fact that I nearly hadn't.
This guy has known me for years and years. Subsequently, he knows that I am very good (positive!) at taking care of the needs of others instead of my own. He knew he would not have to compliment me. He knew he would not have to slow dance with me, or light candles, or make me smile, or whatever it is people do when they're trying to get into someone else's pants, because I am a people pleaser, because I simply don't require wooing. Well, he thought he didn't have to do those things.
It is nice to surprise people - even nicer to surprise yourself. I didn't know it at the time, I'm sure, but somewhere inside of me that night was this tiny flicker of worthiness, a squeaky door-hinge of a voice trying to exclaim YOU ARE WORTH THE SLOWDANCE AND THE CANDLES. MAKE HIM WORK FOR IT, JUST A LITTLE. This is something I am working on - growing that voice into a roar, so loud that it is simply a constant beat in the background of all of my interactions. I am worth the time and effort and sweet gestures that I put into my relationships with other people, and I am not unworthy of asking for the same in return. It's hard for me to act upon these thoughts, but I'm hoping that writing and thinking and caring will soon enough transition seamlessly into confident action.
Until tomorrow,
Nicole
Girl, you are so worth the slowdances and the wooing and the roses and the romantic evenings and everything. I hope you know that. That being said, I know what you mean by saying you're the pushover--unfortunately, I tend to fall into that category. I feel like the reason we put ourselves there is because it's hard to see what we actually are... like, I think you are so amazing, and if I was a dude, I would totally date the shit out of you and bring you flowers and love and cherish you so much okay? Okay. Because you have so much depth as a person, and I totally get that from your lovely posts... so if your posts are making me think you're great already, then obviously you're even cooler IRL, Miss Wilderness. ;)
ReplyDeleteThe print of that dress is amazing, by the way. It's very psychedelic. <3
I'm glad you're realizing your self-worth, because it's there. It's so there. Just know when you come over to this side of the tracks, there are an astonishing number of disappointments when you find out how few people really care to try. But the way you feel about yourself is so, so worth it.
ReplyDeleteI'm am so proud of you, Nicole! That takes confidence to have that realization that you ARE worth it. I too have been a pushover in most of my relationships so this post especially speaks to me. <3 We think we both deserve to be wooed. It's gunna happen.
ReplyDeleteI love your little denim shirt! So cute! It makes the outfit. :)
xx
i loved this post. it's like i could hear the drum beats getting louder and louder the more i read. as i'm sure you've heard, you're a fantastic writer. and you are SO worth the effort. A LOT. not just a little.
ReplyDeleteI can't put into words, my friend, how happy and proud I am to see you beginning to give yourself the credit you deserve. You are an incredible person and certainly someone I am very grateful to know. Anyone who acts like you aren't worthy of being wooed, certainly isn't worthy of you! Also, your confidence gives me confidence and determination to not be a push-over in my own life, so thanks!
ReplyDeleteAs always I can relate to you. I was a people pleaser too and when i was 17 I wasn't mature enough to think like I think now. Conclusion? I lost my verginity with someone that didn't deserve it, with someone that just wanted to exploit me. Now thank god i'm not like that anymore. But I'm glad you could surprise yourself (and him) like that.
ReplyDeleteOh by the way, you are the cutest. And you definitely deserve romance and someone that knows how much you're worth.
Life is a romantic poem
love your sandals and that dress. :D
ReplyDeleteand good on you for not having sex with him. you are worth more than that. <3
bonjourgazel.com
yes. yes. yes. to the outfit, to what you said. and yes. you have to know what you're worth.
ReplyDelete