Do you ever have those days where, out of nowhere, you begin to wonder what would happen if you had made different choices at all the biggest junctions in your life so far? It hit me something fierce this morning in english class, and let me tell you, english class is not a place for crisis. English class is a place for awesome and pretentious intellectual discussion on Dante's Divine Comedy, not internal conflict. I found myself wondering what kind of lady I would be if I had gone away to college, if I had stuck with my first or second brief internships instead of getting the cool job I have now. Then it morphed into, would I have more friends? Would I have stayed with my ex for so long? Would I have gone abroad? Would I be stronger than I am now?
And it was at this point where I wanted to dramatically yell stop! (inside my head, of course). These are the questions that bum you out and get you nowhere, because the answers just don't matter. Not one bit. I am who I am in this moment, partly as a result of choices I've made, and what I've got is a wide open future that I can still mold and tweak and explore. And no matter what I do, whether in five years I'm a circus magician, published poet, or street urchen, these questions will pop up. The problem, I think, is that this weekend I found myself in the middle of a conversation about my future. I've got a job I love for multiple reasons, but multiple parties were telling me that I need to get an internship, something more career focused. And as I've said, I've been quite stressed lately, and this news flash was hardly welcome. So I suppose, today, with everyone so concerned about my future, I found myself troubled by my past. Sure, these questions are important and, dare I say need to be asked, but for now, after a long day, I'm quite content to muddle through this present, with a cup of coffee and a good book, making the best now that I can for myself.
This dress is a fun little dress that makes me feel like a scuba diving speed skater. It also makes me hyper-aware of the, uh, plentiful nature of my chest. Some might say that's a plus or something.