I do this thing, well really, it feels less like something I do than something that's just a gross part of me, like a hairy, insecure mole or something. Now that I've given you that image, I'll try to get at just what that growth is exactly. For some reason, I still haven't figured out why, I have a very hard time with feeling like I deserve much of anything. Namely, passion. Let's take a purely hypothetical, never ever happened, example. Let's say, I like some one. A cute boy, probably. Now, if I like you, I will dive head first without even looking. Within days there will be at least fragments of poems written about you. Little sonnets about how we are both too anxious to make wishes because maybe there are wish loopholes that will distort the wish into something we don't really want. Or not, you know. Or maybe if you're really lucky, I'll write you a horrible corny song at 2 am when I can't sleep, just because I was thinking about you and how cool you are. And then maybe I'll practice singing it in the car while driving to work and get really emotional. Or not, you know. You will probably get a mix CD, and maybe a hip greeting card with a very long message about "how I feel lucky just to know you." I'll want to talk to you, and will probably tell you that. I may also tell you that I had a lovely time hanging out with you, if we've gotten to that point.
The problem is, though, that I don't feel like I should expect these things in return. Honestly, I can't even imagine a guy being so into me that he goes this batshit sentimental, just because he likes me. Me! Lately, I've been thinking about this pattern, and how I'm really not a fan. I'm not happy in that role of chaser, of "the sentimental one." Maybe I'm not the most crazy amazing super hero of a girl, but is it so weird to think that if I can get passionate about a nice guy, a nice guy could be passionate about me? Is that so foreign a thought? I get passionate about things all the time! Ice cream! Pasta! Mountains! Lumberjacks! So why do I think I don't deserve the passion of another person? Or, rather, why do I feel like I can't ignite that passion? Or that I won't find it? That I should just be content with someone who likes me, but doesn't show it, who isn't up in the middle of the night crooning a love ballad because he thinks I'm that alright? If I can be that crazy, can't someone else? Maybe this doesn't make sense. Maybe I'm asking too much. See, this whole post was about feeling like I don't deserve a mutual, excitable spirit, and here I am, talking about the fact that I'm asking too much. I suppose I'm just so tired of walking down a one way street, hand excitedly extended for a high five, and making excuses for the lame people who ignore it. So, I guess it's time to start remembering that I deserve that high five, and that people who think I'm silly for putting myself out there, are not worth my time. Or hand. Or mix CDs.
Oh right, and this outfit. Let's just say I put the "um" in peplum.
my peplum got a little too excited
Until tomorrow,
Nicole
There ARE guys out there that are like that ... sentimental, romantic, and are wanting to make you feel special in the way that means the most to you. You just have to know when you have him front of you and when you don't .... and don't settle for less than what you need!
ReplyDeletei totally have felt that way. and sometimes i do feel that way. and it took someone treating me like crap to realize that i deserve those things in return.
ReplyDeleteAhhh I bought that peplum blouse from Target the other day, but you're totally rocking it so much better! Nicole, you definitely deserve the best in a guy, and maybe sometimes people don't express their emotions quite like you do but that doesn't mean they love or appreciate you any less. As cliche as this sounds, one day you'll meet someone who appreciates you for everything you do for them and they'll return it with their own appreciation and love :)
ReplyDeletei think we all felt that way every now and then. it takes self-acceptance and a healthy self-confidence to feel you deserve love. Let's wotk on it! :)
ReplyDeleteYOU GO GURL
ReplyDeleteI LOVE THIS POST
ReplyDeleteAh, I think we have all felt this way at one time or another! For me, it was just hard to imagine what that wold be like because every boy that ever liked me before my fiance was just... to be honest, very weird. They were the gamer-nerds, the socially inept, the insecure. And not to say they weren't completely nice boys, but... they weren't the men I imagined to be interested in me; they weren't attractive to me, and in return it made me feel as though I was unattractive to "normal" boys.
ReplyDeleteSo I get what you are saying! But you DO deserve passion back. And it does happen, and I hope it will happen and totally blow you away!
You look lovely, by the way. I adore that blouse, and the way you styled it!
It's hard to feel like you deserve things sometimes, but girl, you totally do. You are worth something huge to someone--one day, someone's gonna look at you and just instantly fall in love. But that's the thing: it's going to be hard to find that person. As long as you stay true to yourself (which I know you will!), it will happen. Time always does amazing things, and that's something I have to tell myself when it seems there's no more hope.
ReplyDeleteAlso, hairy growth lololol.
Your polka dot top is really cute, on the outfit side of things. Just like youuUuu~~~
Um (as in peplum had me amazed), this was great! You really have a talent for combining the heartfelt and the humourous, Nicole. Having been dating a musician for 4 years, I'll say that I still haven't had any songs written about me, but the right guy will definitely show his love somehow and you certainly shouldn't accept any less. But keep on working through it in text, I love it!
ReplyDeleteYour top is so gorgeous! I love the spots- So adorable!
ReplyDeleteBecky
xx
Nicole--HOW DO YOU DO THIS? IT'S LIKE YOU CRAWLED INTO MY HEAD AND HEART AND JUST PUT INTO WORDS, PRETTY/ELOQUENT/WITTY WORDS, WHAT I'VE BEEN THINKING AND FEELING! OMG. BUT...
ReplyDeleteNicole, you've made such growth over the past year or so since you've been single! I've told you this countless times, but you are so inspirational to me--to be able to let go to a comfortable relationships, become your own person (and an awesome person at that), and really become independent. It's amazing! And I'm 10000000% sure that you are worth whatever love and passion is coming your way! If there's anything I've learned from being single...ish is that I won't ever settle, and you won't either! You WILL find someone who will love bears and mountains and poetry and all that jazz, and who will love you for you too and with the most passionate love! There's that one quote...we get the love we think you deserve. So I just know that you deserve the best, most passionate kind of love<3
You can always send me a mix CD ;)
AND. This is my most favorite outfit of yours!