The phrase "What have you got to lose?" is one of my least favorite things that people tell me. This is not because it's a bad concept. It is an excellent concept, but one that I am terrible implementing. So, when someone says to me "Well, what have you got to lose?" my general response is "I DON'T KNOW. EVERYTHING. GO AWAY." and then I proceed to eat a piece of/ an entire carrot cake in bed (if you follow me on anything, there is photographic proof that I actually do this, btw). While feeling as busy as ever, with school starting and work continuing, I've been spending an awful lot of time thinking about all of the things I don't do. Over the summer, in a moment of uncharacteristic brazenness, I (sort of) gave a boy my number, and it panned out in a wonderful way. What did I have to lose? True as ever, except I actually acted on that logic instead of running away from it. Now, I sit in my classes, thoughtful but equally bashful, too timid to share my opinion because I'm afraid people will judge me and think I'm stupid. "What have you got to lose, though?" I run into a guy on campus that's got good hair and a smile that implies that he's not condescending, but I'm too shy to even smirk at him. "But what have you got to lose?"
The thing about "what have you got to lose?" situations is that almost always you can only gain something. But it's that hurdle, that fear of "but maybe I can lose something" that keeps me back. I feel a bit like I'm living less of a life than I want to. Sure, I've been mucking around in daydreams about "the future" and living somewhere new and getting a new job and meeting a lovely guy. These are all things that I can't simply make happen right now, but there also not what I'm talking about when I say I don't feel like I'm completely living in my own life. I hold myself back a lot. I label myself "the shy girl" and hope people will catch on and leave me be. But lately, I'm growing frustrated. It's a weird thing, by the way, to just be frustrated with yourself. It barely makes sense. I want to speak up once in a while in class, and share the tiniest smile, and stand up for myself, and feel like I deserve to completely participate in the world. It's not going to be easy for me, which is probably why I'm still in this place, but more than ever, I'm feeling like this step, while nauseating and gross, is more necessary than it's ever been for me to just take.
Oh, right, and what I'm wearing. I really want to wear more loose, classic, easy outfits this fall, so I suppose that's what I'm trying to do here. My hair is wrapped in a floral band because it is oh man, so greasy.
Until tomorrow,
Nicole
