Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Green Bean

may 16


I've been staring at this computer screen for a long time. It was bright when I started choosing my photos for this post, but the sunlight faded from the walls a few minutes ago, and I had to get up and turn my ceiling light on. Long time. The problem has been that I didn't know what to write. Or, rather, the problem has been that my mind has been preoccupied with something I initially didn't want to write about. Maybe I should write about how I match the scenery? Maybe I should write about the fact that my legs aren't shaven in these photos (spoiler alert)? Maybe I should write about records or lakes or the weather? That's been my dilemma. But my head isn't wrapped around those things right now (though it's rapidly growing concerned about the not-shaving tidbit I just shared). Instead, it's in this satellitic orbit around a glowy ball of change and future and wondering. To be Captain Obvious for a moment, I'm not one to shy away from over-sharing, but for some reason, I felt kind of reluctant to dive down into the muck of it, but lucky (unlucky) for you, that brief moment of normalcy seems to have passed.

Last night, I caught about a three minute segment of Glee (ugh, I know, I KNOW). I don't know if it was a current episode or older, but what I gathered from the three minutes was that Coach Beiste had decided to leave her abusive husband. They got into this argument as she threw her wedding ring onto the table. He said something like, "No one's going to love you like me. Who's gonna love you now?" and she said, "Me." Familiar. I cried a little bit, which isn't saying much for a sappy sap like me who has wept over Ghost Adventures, and possibly, Sir Walter Scott's gothic novel Waverly. As much as Glee isn't my thing, something about that scene made me simultaneously really uncomfortable and really comforted.

I have talked about my past enough on this blog, and don't need to go there again tonight. A question I've been asking myself a lot lately, and have been getting asked, is "Are you ready to start dating?" I was talking with a friend yesterday about someone, and she asked me, "If he was single, if he asked you out right now, would you say yes?" Hmm. Humm. Well. "No." What a strange thing for me to say. I don't even know how that word got there, into my mouth, out into the open air. I was a girl who needed to be in a relationship, who, after breaking up with her first boyfriend, started dating another a few weeks later. For for years. Now, I don't seem to be a girl who needs to be in a relationship. Right now, that is. And it's weird. It's a weird feeling to like being alone sometimes. It's a weird feeling to be able to say that I'm afraid to date someone right now. Maybe the word isn't "afraid," maybe it's reluctant, tentative, hippopotamus (it's probably not hippopotamus). As I explained to her, I know what I want, but I don't know if I'm ready to have it, strong enough to stick to my convictions and longings, confident enough to have expectations, recognize that they haven't been met, and act accordingly. She assures me that I am. I laugh and look at my hands.

The truth is, I've been comparing myself to other people again, which is a terrible and pointless thing to do. Thoughts like, "Well, she broke up with her boyfriend four months ago and has started dating again!" had been chilling out, maxing, and relaxing all cool in my brain. "Why not me, too?" This is why not me. There are a million reasons, and all of them have to do with me being myself, me being in the exact situation that only I have been in, and me needing to access myself. I still think part of me is afraid to admit it, that I'm okay on my own. That it's possible for me to exist and thrive as an individual. How weird is that!

If you want a segue that leads into a discussion about my outfit, I guess I could say that green is the color of growth. Or maybe I could say that making my own decisions extends into every aspect of my life, even something as simple as what do I want to wear today. Or maybe I could just talk about how my legs are unshaven in these photos.

Skirt: Aunt's, Blouse: Macy's+scissors, Shoes: Korks by Kork Ease

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Until tomorrow,
Nicole

11 comments:

  1. Well, I think it's lovely that you were able to spill these many feels of yours. :) Maybe putting it out there a bit will help you sort your way through it! I think there's nothing wrong with what you're feeling--not being sure of whether or not you want to date again soon. And I also think that you should definitely have expectations to be held in your loverboy, whoever you may be. Don't ever *ever* think you should deserve less than what you're worth, because my fair lady, you're worth quite a lot. There's nothing wrong with liking to be alone--being able to be alone and not be defined by another person is something you'd be suprised that many people cannot do properly. Being by yourself is a gift in itself! Just as it's easy for some people to be super social all the time, it's very easy for others to be to themselves just as happily. I don't know much about relationships since I've been single my whole life (ha, I'm lame, yeah) but I do know that much!

    Whatever you're feeling, I'm sure that when the time is right, and the guy is right, that you'll make the right decision. These things usually work themself out, no? :) You will be fine, lovely green bean--you will find the other pea to your pod (trying to keep with the vegetable references here!). :)

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  2. Unshaven legs unite!

    I have zero dating experience but I just wanted to say I read this and cringed and maybe teared up and definitely laughed.

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  3. First things first - my legs are often unshaven in my photos. :D I'm one of the lucky ones with light hair so I can get away with it for longer...haha...

    And secondly, I really love your honestly, though I've told you that before. You also are a brilliant writer and I kind of look up to the way you talk in your posts. Just throwin' that out there. I think I know what part you are talking about in Glee, as well... To be honest about myself, I'm not really sure how I would be as just an individual! Being in a relationship is a good thing and a bad thing in that it does close you off to knowing if you can be stable by yourself. I admire that you don't want to leap back into another relationship!

    <3 E

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  4. AHHH i totally forgot to comment on your outfit (which i intended on doing, haha!)
    that skirt is really cute. i adore the color on you. and i wish i had somewhere like this to take pictures!
    x

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  5. People keep asking me why I'm single and I tell them I'm pretty damn awesome to be around. Also, I've lived a fulfilling life on my own for 21 years--if someone is great enough to be a part of that, he's welcome to, but I don't have time to wait around for him to show up. It makes me happy to see that you are getting to spend quality time with yourself and, from nothing more than your blog posts, I feel like you are blossoming into a kickass, independent woman of awesomeness. (:

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  6. Jasmine, Transient WithdrawalMay 16, 2012 at 11:41 PM

    Oh Nicole. These photos are lovely! I love the ones where you're sitting on the porch-thingy :) Anyway, I don't think you have to be ready because I think you'll start dating when it happens. You shouldn't have to worry about when it's going to happen or if you're ready when it does. Just enjoy life as is right now. I'm glad that you are feeling strong enough though to not need a man or to be in a relationship!

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  7. you know what? if you have to wonder if you're ready or not, you're probably not, and i still maintain that my single years (in college) were the best of my life. i didn't know who i was before then because i was always dating or wanting to be dating, and the freedom of being alone is something that you should really embrace while you have it. that's not to say that i don't love my boyfriend, or that i would rather be alone right now, but i NEEDED to be alone to get to that point. be with yourself!!! the men will always be there when you're ready for them :)

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  8. It's more difficult to love ourselves than to love another. At least, for me that's how it was. I spent so many time longing after something I couldn't have just because longing for something was a good feeling. But I'm sure that if that something wasn't out of reach I wouldn't have desired it so much. The point is, when you don't love yourself you don't think you're worthy to be loved. And that's, sadly, true. I know it.
    Anyway, you look lovely and one doesn't notice that your legs aren't unshaved, haha :)

    Life is a romantic poem

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  9. Girl, everything you have written here is exactly what I've been feeling for basically the past year. Last year I had my heart broken by someone I wasn't even in a relationship with, and it's taken me a long time to move past it. As much as I would like to be in a relationship, and as much as my girl friends try to push me in that direction, maybe the truth is I'm just not ready for it yet. Which can suck. But I think I just need to be content with me, first. I'm proud of you. Being single can be so, so hard, but I admire your strength. Besides, girls rule, boys drule, anyway! :)

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  10. I too tear up during those sappy parts of tv shows and books. I've been known to cry over newspaper articles as well. I think it is great that you are okay on your own, for now. I remember the two years before I met my now husband were just full of loving myself. Treating my body well with diet and exercise, taking myself to the movies and lunch dates, reading a ton of fantastic books, volunteering, and more. I liked being with me and good things followed.
    Just found your blog. I like it.

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Thank you so, so much for taking some time to comment on my blog!