I was talking (which means, complaining) to a friend the other day (which means, back in September) about relationships and dating. "WHY can't people just tell each other how they FEEL?" I lamented. "Why are there all these tricks and "codes" and signals and secret handshakes and "blink twice rapidly if you want to go on a second date" things?" He was sympathetic. "How did you meet your girlfriend? Was it simple?" I asked. Oh, she wouldn't even TALK to me at first, let alone date me. Hold the phone. I was aghast and not even because I had a crush on the guy at the time and was like "you should let me love you, let me be the one to, give you everything you want and need." That was definitely not why I was aghast.
Something about the whole thing bothered me, and, apparently, still bothers me. I know that if I was attracted to some guy on a basic level, but he was purposely treating me like I didn't exist, my friends would say something along the lines of Forget about him, gurl. He doesn't know what he's missing! Now lets drink. They wouldn't encourage me to pursue him as a challenge-mode to be felled (and seduced). The opposite seems to be true for guys, though. I mean, I can't count how many movies show decent guys falling for emotionally unavailable or just downright uninterested girls. Of course, there's generally the trusty best friend, a girl, who secretly loves the boy but SHE'S JUST TOO NICE FOR HIM. The lack of interest is viewed as an obstacle to overcome, not a deterrent.
From my impressively-extensive television and movie-watching experience, I've been taught that I am supposed to be hard to get, a tough cookie, aloof. Now, if you know me, at all, even slightly, you know that I am not aloof. A loofah maybe, but not aloof (No, I'm not going to apologize for that). I've always been of the mindset that feelings should exist outside of your head and heart - they should be shared and voiced and poem-icised and turned into simple, bad ukulele songs. If I like someone, why should I pretend not to? That's never made sense to me, but it seems to make sense to so much of the world. I came across this quote on tumblr (I know, I know) that was by, I think, good old F. Scott Fitzgerald, and was something along the lines of, "The girl really worth having isn't going to wait for anyone." And hey, I almost reblogged it. That sounds good, you know, I am a strong independent woman, I WAIT FOR NO MAN. But then I found something nagging me about it, the same naggy discomfort I felt when my friend told me his girlfriend wouldn't even talk to him at first. The girl who doesn't give up on someone she cares about, on something she believes in, is for some reason less valuable than a girl who isn't willing to "wait" for it/him/her, whatever "waiting" means? Though a little different, it was the same idea from the romantic comedies I grew up watching, repeated in a story written by someone writing in the 1920's. WHAT?
Obviously not every relationship starts with one person pursuing someone who has flat-out turned them down, and not every person who's turned down is going to be like, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. But for the whole of my "romantic" life people have been telling me how to "hook a man": play hard to get, unbutton the top button of your blouse (that was my grandmother, btw), chew like you have a secret, don't give too much away, don't kiss him on the first date, don't ever SAY that you like him. I've never understood all that much of it, though. Not that I have, uh, much authority here, but I think some of the last things that should be involved with feelings and relationships are games and tricks and sorcery or whatever. Some strategy? I get that. I've pulled a Ted Mosby or two, and you probably shouldn't tell someone you love them on a first date. But liking someone and telling them, and showing them? Shouldn't it be as easy as that?
According to my blog, I only wear this sweater. I'm alright with this depiction of myself.
Shoes: Ruche, Bag: Elanor, Sunglasses: Target, Eventual hat: Dad's
Until tomorrow,
Nicole
I HAVE ALL THESE SAME QUESTIONS, and like I have zero relationship experience but I have no idea how to play 'hard to get' and I don't understand why it's necessary SOMEONE EXPLAIN THESE THINGS TO US
ReplyDeleteYou are just my absolute favorite, Nicole.
ReplyDelete1.) I struggle with this topic of interest as well. Society tells us to play hard to get, etc...but it's not like I'm aware of anyone that is lining up for me ANYWAY, you know? ALSO, I think society has certainly convinced me that telling someone my feelings isn't okay. Or at least I just feel that way.... I feel like I don't even know HOW I would go about that too, you know?
2.) You look SO COOL in this outfit. I love all aspects of this outfit and would definitely steal these clothes from you and copy the look. Can I do that? k thx
Oh Nicole, you are far too precious. Far too precious indeed, and your rambles always have me nodding my head in agreement. This one is no exception. I think people are told to play hard to get, but that in reality, the hard to get concept comes out of people being too shy to just dive into a relationship, you know? At least, that's how a single lady such as myself would see it. I would never want to play hard to get if there was a guy who was interested in me that I was also interested in. I'd hop on that train, I think. Unless I was scared to be in a relationship. Then maybe it would come off as "hard to get"... does that even make sense? Bah!
ReplyDeleteWhatevs. You look really cute here, and I adore that jacket and your stripe-y stripes!
you are SO perfect. i love everything about this post. it's so spot on. i have never been the girl who is good at games. i can't play hard to get, i can't NOT text to them, and when i feel something i want to shout it into the void. i've just learned holding things in is almost more detrimental to a relationship (even a budding one) than it is helpful. i don't play by rules and i just do what i want. maybe that means i'll be single for forever, but maybe this means that when i DO find someone worthy, it'll be because we didn't play games and we both know what we want. fair!? i don't know. i guess we'll see how it works for me ;)
ReplyDeleteAlright, let's start with this: I adore this outfit. From head to toe, I want this outfit for myself... send it to me?
ReplyDeleteSecond, relationships are tricky things. Plain old friendship ones, even. When romance is thrown into the mix, it gets all kind of insane. When I have real-world experience beyond consistently picking the wrong people to have affections for over and over, perhaps I will be of more use.
BECAUSE IT IS THE BEST SWEATER EVER. Really, I want one.
ReplyDeleteMaaaaaannnn. I honestly do not know where to start with this. I mean, I lived through it at a young age (early high school). I liked a boy, he was nice to me, he flirted with me. I asked him out, he said no and ignored me. WTF? I don't get why things cannot be simple, why there has to be all of these games. Are relationships that boring? Once you start dating someone, you have all of this time to learn about one another, why would you waste that playing stupid games? Furthermore, life is confusing enough, we don't need this garbage.
Thank you so much for talking about these subjects on here. I need this. And it's clear I can presume to say the plural first person "we" need this. It's just so hard out there! What's a girl to do?
ReplyDeleteAlso, no one commented on the "loofah" statement. A GEM.
Can we also talk about this very real possibility that has been causing me to fret lately: that someone can go their whole life never having been in a relationship. Does this happen?
(My last "also" -- I'm a college senior as well, and I just find everything you talk about so personally relevant and I love your thoughts and writing and blog and you so much. Thanks.)
I love this post. You are the cutest and your words ALWAYS make me smile! (second only to the coffee shop post, mind you). I can tell by the posts you publish that you must publicly wear your heart on your sleave (never a downfall. certainly not a flaw in any way) I am very much the same way.
ReplyDeleteThe boy I have been dating for a very long time now started out like your friend's girlfriend. He wouldn't give me the time of day. But we then became friends, and I grew past my affections because this boy was honestly someone I wanted in my life, romantic or otherwise. But almost two years into being friends (that must sound sadly long) he one day said he'd fallen for me. We've been "together" for a good year now and I dont think this'll ever change.
My point is, any guy worth having is worth having in any way. Be it a friend or aquantance or study budy. And in this time you learn a good deal about a person and can make relationship evaluations accordingly. :)