Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Bubbling Over

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I was walking to the diner the other day, and the temperature was perfect, like summer had begun to pull out it’s autumn clothes from under-the-bed storage. I was in a real huff about everything - what do I want to do with my life, who do I want to love and be loved by, where do I want to go, what do I want to experience. Just a regular Tuesday night, you know. And then, this boy biked past me quite quickly, and I heard a woman in a nightgown sweep sweep sweeping her front porch, and a breeze licked me right on the shoulder, and it hit me a little too hard that I’ve lived in the same place for my entire life. Except for, literally, one night in freshman year when I braved a dorm room, I’ve been in the same house, in the same city, in the same state my entire life. Whenever I meet someone new, and hear about where they’ve lived, where they grew up, where they intend to go next, it catapults me yelling and kicking into the sky, thoughts and decisions whizzing by me as I sort of spiral back down. Walking down my same old block, I thought about how four years ago, there was no way I wanted to go away to college, how two years ago there was no way I was going to study abroad. The problem is, it seems, that we have to make decisions for our future selves (possibly almost entirely different folk) in the present. We can only assume what we want now is what we will want in a weeks, six months, four years time. I am not the same person I was when I started college. I look sort of like her, with better clothing choices most of the time, but I’ve grown and warped and developed and learned so much about myself and what I want, become someone so, so miraculously different. First, I was scared, really scared, by the things I didn’t do, by the things other folks my age have done and done again a million times. But then I got a different sort of scared, the one I think people call “good scared.” That fear that I imagine one has when they’re about to skydive for the first time or bungee jump or hike to the top of a huge mountain. A slight fear of failing, but predominantly the excitement of seeing something entirely new, or something familiar in an extraordinary way. I began to think of how big the world is, and to bubble over with thoughts of interning somewhere I’ve never been before, somewheres I’ve never been before, living, working, meeting, dancing, party rocking, loving, in a bunch of somewheres I haven’t been yet. I’m not sure exactly what I want, but every now and then these moments of fear and possibility pop up and I figure it out just a little bit more. This is not everything I wanted to say, exactly how I wanted to say it. I’m terrified of moving, terrified of never finding love or recognizing that I am a person who deserves certain things, and I’ve sort of spent the past few days mulling things over, watching lots of Doctor Who, and convincing myself that I am charming and not weird in an all-together off-putting way. But this is me, growing, and growing, at least a little bit more.

Sorry for the break in disney posts. I was feeling what experts often call "quite thinky" and felt the need to write and share, and this outfit sort of fit my feelings in a weird sort of way. Don't worry though, the post of me with 8,000 disney characters will be coming along shortly.

Dress: JCPenney, Sweater: H&M, Boots: Lucky Brand

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Until tomorrow,
Nicole

9 comments:

  1. If you didn't fear your dreams, then they wouldn't be big enough. ;) I've seen that quote around, and even though it's cheesy, I'm finding that there's lots of truth in it... because if it's something that is easily achievable, is it really a dream?


    Anyway, this is such a cute outfit on you eeep~ like one of my favorites of yours! I love those boots, they make your legs look so long! And that dress is just so flattering. <3

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  2. Where I'm sitting, I am itching to go out and do things but I have to temper myself and be realistic/logical more often than not. But there's that nagging inside that wants to be LESS plan-oriented and go make some mistakes.


    I've also been in the same place for a lot of my life and I want to be the kind of person that has life experiences and great stories to tell so... I need to get on that.


    PS I dig this outfit. Lots.

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  3. Thank you again for putting my thoughts into words there, pal. Sometimes it weirds me out how much I can relate to you! Just last week I was thinking about how I want to be scared more often. And not scared in the way I was when Chuck told me we were NOT going to be watch a horror movie and then proceeded to put on the SCARIEST EFFING MOVIE EVER, but in the way that you talk about here. The fear that comes right before you do something brave, something life-changing and exciting and new. Life is often a lot of baby steps, but baby steps won't get you over a chasm, and sometimes you need to jump across the chasm to reach that something-beautiful on the other side.

    I think you and I are alike in the way that we want to be prepared. We want to go into things with our sheath loaded with arrows, and our flask full of water and our backpack full of that weird bread they eat in Rivendell (okay my LOTR analogy is falling apart fast, let's see if I can recover). I think maybe the biggest thing the both of us have to learn, is that we can't always be fully prepared for everything, sometimes we just have to go with our gut and maybe we'll get really low on rations sometimes (God forbid), or not have enough arrows to fend off all the enemies we will face, but that's what friends are for. Because if you decide to do something big and drastic and different and end up not being quite as prepared as you hoped? Well there's no way I would let you fall! I got yo' back! Go jump out of that airplane already! <3<3

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  4. This is such a relateable post, to me. I've lived in the same general area for most of my life; never lived on my own, gone outside of the states (even to Mexico or Canada!), never been to Disneyland... and it's so scary to think about going somewhere new and unknown! But someday, I want to go anyway. And it'll probably be less scary because I'll have someone to go with me.
    Anyway. I love your outfit! That dress is darling, and I would probably steal it if I was your neighbor. :)

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  5. Emily_RubySlippersAugust 23, 2012 at 3:00 PM

    Eh, we all need different things at different times; there's no use regretting it now. I'm sure you'll take off and be living somewhere cool and doing new things in no time. At least you're aware, and you still have lots and lots of time (lucky you) to have a wild youth!

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  6. Jasmine, Transient WithdrawalAugust 23, 2012 at 10:30 PM

    Nicole! First, I just want to say how much I adore this outfit on you! All of it--from your top knot bun to those fabulous boots! I just adore it all! :) Secondly, I'm sure we all get bad cases of wanderlust from time to time. I've been in the same house since I was like 5. I did undergrad and am doing grad school in the same city. Sure sometimes it sounds not as nice in comparison to other people who may have come from other states or other parts of CA, but that's just how my left went down. I'm pretty sure I'll have opportunities to travel later on in life, and I'm sure you will too! I mean just this year alone you went to CA, New Jersey, and Florida! I haven't gone anywhere! You already know how proud of you I am of how much you've grown over the past year or so and what an inspiration you are to me! I absolutely love this post--especially the part when you said that we had to make decisions that our future selves may not want. I just already know that once I graduate next Summer I will most likely have to leave this beloved city that I've called home for 17 years, but I too am filled with much excitement, fear, and anxiousness. You are an amazing person Nicole and I just know that you are going to do amazing things in the world--wherever and whenever! :) <3

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  7. the colors in this outfit are quite lovely. and soon you'll be doing what you want. regret is a silly fickle thing. and sometimes it is hard to put it out of mind.
    i'm scared all the time. and i even though i've done some things, it is still nothing close to what i wish i could do.

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  8. lady i just love you so much. this musing post is so great and i feel for you every step of the way. if i have it my way, you will party rock yourself to the west coast and we can room together and have more adventures. or maybe i'll go to the east coast. i don't know, but i think it would be fun.

    this outfit is my new favorite ever and you look KILLER.
    xoxoxo

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  9. this outfit is gorgeous, i saved it in my folder.

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Thank you so, so much for taking some time to comment on my blog!