There is a coffee shop up by my job that is hip and happening and always full of regulars, and also puppies. The puppies are also regulars, as if the situation wasn't intimidating enough. See what I just did, though. I called a situation that involves puppies and coffee intimidating - and I love both of those things. The problem is, if you haven't already guessed at it, that I am very easily intimidated. If you've been checking into this blog for a while, you know this, and you know that, while it is easier than before, it is still hard for me to do things on my own without feeling like everyone's watching my every move, waiting for me to screw up my coffee order, or spontaneously throw up on the pastry case. Even though no one gives a gosh darn hootin toot about what I'm doing, I feel like everyone cares, and that is enough to make me want to walk right past the coffee shop.
So I did walk past it, plenty of times. TOO HIP, TOO INTIMIDATING, TOO MANY JUDGMENTAL SMALL DOGS, are just a sampling of things I heard in my head. I'm sure I've mentioned before that I had a pretty decent-sized struggle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I did this thing my psychologist called "evening out" where an even amount of my body parts had to be touching or, I was convinced, something bad would happen to me. This was my worst "behavior," but there was others. During my first week of college I had a breakdown so fierce I didn't verbally communicate with people for days. I don't think I've told more than three people that fact in my whole life, oops. I've pretty much had anxiety "COMIN' OUT THE EEYUZ!!," as my grandmother would say, for a very long time. It's been a process, but I'm WOW so much better about it all now. I still have plenty of moments though, like, oh hey how convenient, the coffee shop.
A few weeks ago I went into the coffee shop and got a cappuccino. A victory cappuccino, as I am apt to call it. I was nervous and awkward and forgot to put a splenda in it but, by gum, I got it. I went again today, and was, once again, sort of clumsily awkward. Don't you just hate when it's not clear where you're supposed to stand, or where the line forms? Ugh, but minor issue. This time, though, I did remember to put splenda in my latte. HUZZAH. And even though I didn't know where to stand, and the cute barista guy had to say "for future reference, the line forms over here," that latte was delicious. The latte was delicious. Isn't that the point it all comes down to?! The latte was delicious! I am getting ahead of myself (and wishing I had another latte). Sure, I was fumbly and (charmingly?) awkward and uncomfortable, but I ended up with what I wanted. Because I asked for it. Because I made the decision to do something, albeit microscopic in that fantastically vague "grand scheme of things," to make myself uncomfortable to achieve the result I wanted.
Now maybe you see why I felt like I was bordering on silly by writing this post. I'm sure at least one of you has been like "Omg, JUST SUCK IT UP AND GET YOUR GODDAMN COFFEE IF YOU WANT YOUR GODDAMN COFFEE, UGH YOU DISGUST ME but your blazer is cute." Though, I think you're probably barking up the wrong blog if you in fact do not want to hear me attempting to encourage you (and me) with baby step successes. The truth is, this is my life. Maybe it does sound absurd, and maybe it is, but these are the things I deal with, the choices I make, or don't make, or regret not making, and though I absolutely don't put a positive spin on them all the time (trust me, you can often find me covered in 30 blankets feeling sorry for my coffee-less self while listening to the slowest sad-jams I can find, but never Bon Iver because I just cannot, sorry guys) but in my posts, I like to clear my head and think as rationally and triumphantly as I can. I think I and every other good person, spend too much time beating ourselves up, so if I can lessen that for me, and you, then by gum plum dooby dooby dum I'm going to try it out.
Now, an important note about my outfit: I am wearing a blazer.
This is my face:
This is my face when ordering a latte: