A Blue Raft on The Blue Sea

My first inclination in writing this post was to do one of those cheesy "long time, no see"/"hey, remember me? I USED TO BLOG" opening jokes, but you people are better than that so I won't. Instead, I've decided to JUMP AT YOU GUYS.

I'm going to be honest here (surprise, surprise), and say that I haven't been feeling completely up to snuff this semester, or, more specifically, completely like myself, whatever that means. Since summer ended, I haven't felt in control of my life in the way I would like to. And I mean, obviously we're all only "in control" of our lives to a certain extent, but let me try to explain. I've been busier in the past few months than I've ever been in my life. I've been working more, teaching a class on the weekends, internship searching, and trying to, like, "enjoy" my senior year of college while trying to do my best to keep my grades up to my own standards (and, let's be honest, "enjoying college" for me is really just like, being able to keep my grades up to my own standards). But since September, I've been feeling increasingly like I'm on a treadmill, and someone's raising the speed at an absurd rate, and instead of being able to keep up, it's like I'm in a cartoon, and I just got sucked up into the machine and am just stuck in the treadmill going at hyper-speed but not even being able to get up, let alone run. Got all that? Okay, cool.

It's been scary, to be honest. It feels an awful lot like one particular part of my life has absorbed the rest of it. I've been really bad at making time for things I care about - friends, blogging, writing for kicks. By the time I come home from work, I have school work to do, or, if it's been a particularly rough day, I'll go do something mindless like scroll through tumblr reblogging cats in bow ties until I pass out.

Two weeks ago, I had my first Friday off in a very long time. I woke up guiltlessly late, and spent all morning working intently and thoughtfully on an Emily Dickinson paper, sipping coffee, criminal minds on very low volume in the background. I went to the track and jogged a very chilly mile as the sun started to dip below the tallest buildings. I got dinner (and a very large piece of tiramisu) with a very good friend, came home, and fell asleep watching more criminal minds. That entire day, I kept thinking about how happy I was, how my head was finally above water (or that I had finally unwound myself from the treadmill? Are we continuing on with that metaphor?) and how I felt in control of my life again, if only for that day. I've been trying to channel that day to get me through the coming weeks of the supreme grossness that is the end of a semester. Life is a lot of flux, a lot of things coming and going, but currently, I feel like I'm on some especially shakey ground. It's exciting too, though, you know? That excitement of like, standing on a precarious beam while walking across a river, where you could fall, and that's terrifying, but there's also something exhilarating about not knowing exactly what comes next, or how wet your pant legs will be by the time you get there. Right? Okay, good.

This outfit required me to learn how to tie a bow tie, so I did. I think it makes me look like a wacky old english professor, which is the look I'm generally going for. Also, almost everything I'm wearing is from Uniqlo, which, as a store, freaks me out, but while in the city last week, I braved it for the flannel. Alternate post title: I Did It All for the Flannel.

Top, skirt: Uniqlo, Shoes: Vintage


















Until tomorrow,
Nicole

Small Business Saturday at Faces and Faces!

Hi folks! I know things have been slow around these parts lately, and that is because I am busy busy busy (and bad at prioritizing?) BUT, I wanted to let you guys know that all weekend, I'm offering 25% off any brooch purchase from my etsy shop Faces and Faces! So, take a look and see if there's a face you like. And oh goodness, expect a mildly exasperated, very full life update soon, promise.

The Coffee Shop Chronicles

That sounds like a bad teenage, possibly paranormal, mystery series, am I right? But sorry to disappoint - I'm just talking about my own life, which is not teenage, or paranormal, though it is mysterious sometimes. You know me, always jib-jabbering on about baby steps and progress and giving yourself pats on the shoulder with not one but both hands because you deserve it. So, when I tell you "Hey, I almost feel silly talking about this in a blog post," you know things are getting pretty serious. I'll even excuse you for a moment while you recover from the spit-take that I just caused you to have.

There is a coffee shop up by my job that is hip and happening and always full of regulars, and also puppies. The puppies are also regulars, as if the situation wasn't intimidating enough. See what I just did, though. I called a situation that involves puppies and coffee intimidating - and I love both of those things. The problem is, if you haven't already guessed at it, that I am very easily intimidated. If you've been checking into this blog for a while, you know this, and you know that, while it is easier than before, it is still hard for me to do things on my own without feeling like everyone's watching my every move, waiting for me to screw up my coffee order, or spontaneously throw up on the pastry case. Even though no one gives a gosh darn hootin toot about what I'm doing, I feel like everyone cares, and that is enough to make me want to walk right past the coffee shop.

So I did walk past it, plenty of times. TOO HIP, TOO INTIMIDATING, TOO MANY JUDGMENTAL SMALL DOGS, are just a sampling of things I heard in my head. I'm sure I've mentioned before that I had a pretty decent-sized struggle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I did this thing my psychologist called "evening out" where an even amount of my body parts had to be touching or, I was convinced, something bad would happen to me. This was my worst "behavior," but there was others. During my first week of college I had a breakdown so fierce I didn't verbally communicate with people for days. I don't think I've told more than three people that fact in my whole life, oops. I've pretty much had anxiety "COMIN' OUT THE EEYUZ!!," as my grandmother would say, for a very long time. It's been a process, but I'm WOW so much better about it all now. I still have plenty of moments though, like, oh hey how convenient, the coffee shop.

A few weeks ago I went into the coffee shop and got a cappuccino. A victory cappuccino, as I am apt to call it. I was nervous and awkward and forgot to put a splenda in it but, by gum, I got it. I went again today, and was, once again, sort of clumsily awkward. Don't you just hate when it's not clear where you're supposed to stand, or where the line forms? Ugh, but minor issue. This time, though, I did remember to put splenda in my latte. HUZZAH. And even though I didn't know where to stand, and the cute barista guy had to say "for future reference, the line forms over here," that latte was delicious. The latte was delicious. Isn't that the point it all comes down to?! The latte was delicious! I am getting ahead of myself (and wishing I had another latte). Sure, I was fumbly and (charmingly?) awkward and uncomfortable, but I ended up with what I wanted. Because I asked for it. Because I made the decision to do something, albeit microscopic in that fantastically vague "grand scheme of things," to make myself uncomfortable to achieve the result I wanted.

Now maybe you see why I felt like I was bordering on silly by writing this post. I'm sure at least one of you has been like "Omg, JUST SUCK IT UP AND GET YOUR GODDAMN COFFEE IF YOU WANT YOUR GODDAMN COFFEE, UGH YOU DISGUST ME but your blazer is cute." Though, I think you're probably barking up the wrong blog if you in fact do not want to hear me attempting to encourage you (and me) with baby step successes. The truth is, this is my life. Maybe it does sound absurd, and maybe it is, but these are the things I deal with, the choices I make, or don't make, or regret not making, and though I absolutely don't put a positive spin on them all the time (trust me, you can often find me covered in 30 blankets feeling sorry for my coffee-less self while listening to the slowest sad-jams I can find, but never Bon Iver because I just cannot, sorry guys) but in my posts, I like to clear my head and think as rationally and triumphantly as I can. I think I and every other good person, spend too much time beating ourselves up, so if I can lessen that for me, and you, then by gum plum dooby dooby dum I'm going to try it out.

Now, an important note about my outfit: I am wearing a blazer.

Skirt: H&M, Sweater: TJMaxx, Shoes, Shirt: Thrift, Blazer: Gap











This is my face:



This is my face when ordering a latte:




Until tomorrow,
Nicole