And here I am, one week from graduation, sitting at my desk. My bangs are messily but artfully clipped back into a Johnny Bravo fashion. I have been staring at my resume for the past two hours wondering if it is jazzy enough, after a prior two hours of staring at jobs on idealist.org like “gurl is this all you GOT? I know this ain’t all you got for me, gurl. I thought we were CLOSE??” I have become a little delusional. I blame the Johnny Bravo hair.
The truth is, I feel like I should have something interesting
to say upon my impending graduation. HECK, I had something to say about my high
school graduation, which wasn’t even important, but we don’t need to revisit
that. You guys don’t need to hear about me missing my teachers and things
“never being the same AGAIN.” I recently read a short piece I wrote right
before I graduated high school and was struck by how different I feel now, four
years later, graduating from something else. I feel ready to leave in a lot of
ways. I don’t feel clingy. I don’t have a chronic fear of losing connections,
maybe because I’ve seen the connections I’ve kept and lost since high school. I
just feel very weird about it all. Note: It will probably be worth my while to
keep a tally on the amount of times I use the word “weird” in this post.
Whenever someone congratulates me on my upcoming graduation
I have the tendency to say something like, “CONGRATULATIONS FOR WHAT? FOR
MAKING IT TO THE EDGE OF THE ABYSS THAT IS MY FUTURE? OH, THANK YOU. THANKS SO
MUCH.” Then I growl and foam at the mouth a bit and steal away to a hovel a la
Gollum. Not really. But I really have used the word “abyss” in the past two
weeks more than I have in my whole life. The truth is, I am excited about the
possibilities of “the post-graduation abyss” as I will now lovingly
(unlovingly) call it. On the other hand, it is, uh an abyss. And an abyss is an
inherently scary thing because of its mystery, its cool unknowability.
It is a terrifying thing, for me at least, not to have a
planned next step. I am very good with planned next steps. They are something I
like a whole lot, in fact. Go to high school after grammar school, and then
college? YES! Keep my current job until I find something new to move on to?
OBVIOUSLY! Plans are cool. I dig plans. Right now though, the world is my
metaphorical oyster. The problem is I’ve never tried oysters. And they seem
kind of slimy and off-putting, tbh.
As I’m sure is not at all obvious at this point, I’ve been
doing a lot of dwelling and not a whole lot of celebrating (though there has
been plenty of beer involved). In fact, if you’ll recall the beginning of this
post, I was being super broody about everything (particularly my floofy hair).
Then, I decided that now was a good time to write a blog post and take stock of
what’s really going on versus what my anxiety says is happening (“THE ABYSS!”).
With school ending and my work coming to a close, I’ve had some increase in
free time lately, all of which has been filled with a very satisfying mix of
good food, lots of (you have no idea how many) movies, late night talks, family
time, frantic reconnections, and ideas. Good things. Now is a weird time, where
my obligations are quite fewer than they’ve been for a long time. It’s a time
where, well, I have more time. Or, the same amount of time but differently
allotted. Now is a time where I can look back at projects I forgot, and create
new ones. Find focus. Learn. I can look at the abyss as a bottomless pit or a
road that takes me somewhere new, a place where I’m falling and can’t ever find
footing, or a place that allows me to sit and rest for a while as I figure
things out. Would I like to have a plan? Yes. Would I like to have a job lined
up? Of course. But it’s important to look at the reality of things, I think (it
is also worth noting that I am terrible at looking at the reality of things) in
order to move forward in a way that is productive and makes you feel good. So,
I might not have any advice for you, or for myself, on graduation and the “real
world.” But I can say, or hope, that maybe the post-graduation abyss isn’t so
scary when you look it right in the eyes.
As for what I've been wearing - frankly, it hasn't been all that interesting. Having a personal style is a lot harder when you feel your sense of style changing but can't buy new clothes because you don't have an income. Also, laziness. I decided I really wanted overalls, and then dug these gems out of a drawer of hardly worn bottoms. Maybe summer will bring back my ability to dress like a cool dude?
