Bound By Symmetry

I'm really big on the idea of "the universe." Things happening for a reason, meeting people for a reason, crossing paths, you know. It probably stems from some sort of unfortunate control issue or something, but it's a big part of my mindset. Probably to an obsessive, annoying degree, but who's really keeping track of these things, am I right? Yesterday, a whole bunch of extraordinary coincidences and path crossings occurred, and I was just left repeating (muttering? drunkenly spewing?) the words, "Really? I mean, really?" For example, I put my ipod on shuffle while driving to work, which I never do, and just as I was drawing closer to my job, Red Right Ankle by The Decemberists came over the car speakers. Now, I dearly love that song, but it's not the sort of song I would ever listen to at nine in the morning because it bums me out something fierce. When my co-worker walked into work, headphones in, I heard Red Right Ankle playing softly, and I flushed with embarrassment, thinking I forgot to shut my ipod off (this has been known to happen). I quickly realized, half-relieved, half-confused, 100% astonished, that the song was coming from his headphones. I confirmed that that was the song he was listening to, and we subsequently high fived. ASTONISHING! Seriously, what are the odds of that? NOT GOOD, those are the odds. Then there were the series of really nice people I encountered on the drive to work (most notably the garbage man). REMARKABLE! Maybe it's silly of me, but these kind of things are really grounding. It's easy for me to get caught up in my own work, my own thoughts and fears, my own problems. Then these extraordinary things I have no power over just sort of happen, weaving my life in some small, unique way to someone else's, and I feel a little reminder of how simultaneously large and small the world really is.

Blouse: Old Navy, Skirt: DIY, Shoes: Vintage









Now for some realistic photos! bloopers! Here are the faces I make when I have to spend the day writing grant reports, and think about how the universe might actually be taunting me.





On that note,


Until tomorrow,
Nicole

Blooming Up From The Grass

Things have been pretty sluggish on the blog lately, it's true. Today begins my last of the semester, and I've been hard at work (and, at times, very much not so hard at work, like right now) finishing up sentences about Chaucer's Parson's Tale, Shakespeare's sonnets, Heinrich von Kleist's eccentricities. Right now I'm just taking a little break to write something other than an analytical paper. Speaking of breaks, on Saturday morning I took a little trip up to Lyndhurst for the annual craft fair. Of course, I didn't take pictures of any of the crafts, but there were so many wonderful things (my favorites were bracelets made of typewriter keys and giant Edgar Alan Poe inspired wood carvings which I'm currently kicking myself for not taking a photo of). I didn't buy anything, except two containers of fresh fudge (maple and almond joy), which was delicious (it's all gone now, by the way). Also, the craft fair took place on the grounds of a castle, which is cool. Though, frankly, a castle seems a little out of place in New York. But in an awesome way. We only drove past the castle, which looked beautiful. I definitely want to take a tour of it in the summer.

Dress: Callie's, Vest: Goodwill, Shoes: Korks by Kork-Ease, Scarf: giveaway from Sarah






Until tomorrow,
Nicole

Mouse Girl

One of the reasons I like clothes and outfits so much is because they can speak for you. As I shy person, I often look to my clothes to do some of the talking. If I'm feeling down, I'll throw on a cozy sweater and jeans. If I'm excited, I'll wear a new sun dress. If I feel angry, like I want to kick someone, I'll wear some tough boots and my jean jacket. I don't speak up for myself very often, is the point I'm trying to make. With my clothes, at least, I can determine what I want them to say about me. Lately, though, I've been noticing more and more people speaking up for me, and it's honestly been freaking me out. My family has always done it. I'm the "baby" of the family, and have gotten used to the fact that people are going to baby me until I have babies of my own for them to baby. Baby, baby, baby, no. But I've started taking notice of people answering questions for me, making statements on my behalf, before I get a chance to do it myself.

What was worse was when I noticed that people outside of my family were doing it. I was out to dinner with people from my job, all older than me except for one person. One of them said to me, after I had eaten half of my food, "Well, what are you going to do with the rest of that, huh?" To which another person replied, "Oh, she's uncomfortable eating in front of people." Is it true that I'm uncomfortable eating in front of people? Yes. It's an inconvenient fact of my life that I explained to my two bosses the first time we went out together, so as to make the fact that I was obviously uncomfortable less awkward. Throughout the night, I noticed this pattern of people making statements for me: "She has a blog. She read at the open mic. She doesn't like eating in front of people." Now, these are all facts about myself that I have no problem sharing with people. But, just as in choosing my own outfits, I like to choose what I tell people. Having my own words bumbling out of other people's mouths is disconcerting. This has nothing to do with the people I work with, who I like very much, and it has nothing to do with my family, who I love dearly.

It's not something I ever really thought about, but it must have to do with me. It's not because I'm young, or because I'm "the baby." For some reason, I shy away from speaking up for myself. It ranges from all sorts of little insignificant moments, like raising my hand in class to asking a question at work, to bigger things, like upholding my standards for other people because I fear I'm asking too much, that I don't deserve what I want. In response, it seems that people speak for me, and most of the time at least, it's probably to help me. "She's shy, so I'll say what she probably would say in response to this situation." I know it's well-intentioned, but it's something I want to change. I write posts about self-worth all the time, though it's been a while since the last one. And this idea, of appreciating myself, and knowing that what I think and feel is worth shouting about, is something I want to embody, not just keep talking about. I'm not going to set out some plan for myself, like "speak three times in class, then go to an open mic and read for five minutes in front of strangers," but I will set an ultimate goal, which has been and still is to value myself enough to not feel like my words are foolish, to trust myself enough to give a voice to my own ideas, thoughts, and feelings.

Blouse: Chloe's (which I wanted to wear once more before I sent it back to her!), Sweater: Forever 21, Jeans: Levi's, Boots: UO (old), Bag: JCPenney


Until tomorrow,
Nicole